Hey all, here’s a quick tip about showing the passage of short amounts of time in a scene. I see a lot of beats like this:
- She hesitated
- He paused
- A few seconds later
- There was a long silence
- He waited for her to answer
- She didn’t respond
Instead of telling us there’s a brief moment of silence or pause in your scene, try showing us by creating the feeling that time has passed through action, description, or inner monologue. Here are a few examples.
Before:
“Are you coming or not?”
He waited for her to answer, but she didn’t respond.
“Clare? Did you hear me?”
“Huh?”
After:
“Are you coming or not?”
Clare scrolled through her phone, her face illuminating with a eerie blue glow.
“Clare? Did you hear me?”
“Huh?”
Before:
Jared lingered at the suspect’s front gate. If this guy didn’t answer Jared’s questions, he was screwed.
“Hey you!” a voice shouted. “Get off my property!”
Jared hesitated. Finally, he turned to face the man. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
After:
Jared lingered at the suspect’s front gate. If this guy didn’t answer Jared’s questions, he was screwed.
“Hey you!” a voice shouted. “Get off my property!”
Jared patted his holster. He had a gun, but he certainly didn’t want to use it. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face the man. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Not only does creating a pause instead of describing a pause allow your reader to feel the moment more vividly, it gives you a chance to explain what exactly that pause is about. People hesitate, pause, don’t respond, etc. for all kinds of reasons. Give us as much insight as you can into your weird quiet moment.
Of course, you don’t need to do this every single time. Sometimes it’s fine to say “he paused” or “the room was quiet for a moment”—it could be the best choice for that scene. But look back through your draft and see if you’ve used those “telling” descriptions more often than you needed to. If so, try to create the feeling of a pause—perhaps one that gives the reader a bit more information—using these techniques.
Hope this helps!